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Sexting: what parents need to know
I initially discovered this through an he had saved fromand then I found more. She left our town in June and he retired in December He swears it never went beyond sexting, but he will not give me a specific time frame in which this occurred, so everything I know, I have pieced together myself.
I have reached out to this woman for information. I wrote to the address she had used to correspond with my husband, but in her response she denied knowing him. She blocked me on Facebook when I messaged her there.
I texted her phone but the reply was from someone saying the phone did not belong to the woman and had not for quite some time. Read: Why happy people cheat.
I need the up late looking for sexting or chat so I can figure out what I was doing that made him look elsewhere, but I am getting nowhere. I know this happened many years ago, but I am totally shattered.
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I thought we had a great relationship that was honest and loving, but now I am suspicious of everything he does. The discovery of infidelity, especially in a long marriage, is devastating, so of up late looking for sexting or chat you would feel shattered regardless of when it happened.
Many betrayed partners, having had their sense of safety upended, experience symptoms similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder: anxiety, nightmares, mood swings, obsessive thoughts, flashbacks to the discovery of the affairand hypervigilance always being on the alert for s that the affair is continuing or that another one is occurring. Read: Do married millennials cheat on each other?
He wants to pretend everything is fine and let bygones be bygones. Among couples who recover from affairs, a certain process tends to take place. The first up late looking for sexting or chat is about acknowledging the impact the betrayal had on the betrayed partner.
Sexting vs. dating in real life
Instead of defending himself or sweeping the whole thing under the rug, your husband needs to listen to how the betrayal has affected you and empathize with your pain. He also needs to express remorse for deceiving you. The next phase is about transparency about the story of the affair, which sets the stage for building trust.
Instead of stonewalling you, your husband needs to give you truthful and complete answers about what went on. If you ask how he and this woman communicated and he says bywhen actually they ed and talked on the phone and texted and occasionally saw each other in person, the information is not complete. In couples therapy, we differentiate between information that will be helpful and that which will add to the trauma.
Helpful questions might be: How did you meet this person? How and when did the affair start? Where did it happen, and how often? What lies did you tell me to keep the affair secret? How did you end it?
Are you still in contact, and what does that contact look like? By contrast, questions about the specifics of the sex they had—or, in your case, asking to read every piece of correspondence—might leave you with intrusive images and ruminative thoughts that could make moving forward more difficult. From there, couples can try to understand why this happened. To be clear, no matter the reason, the person who had the affair is completely responsible for it; much less destructive ways of managing marital issues exist, and nobody causes her partner to cheat.
But now you have an opportunity to look at your marriage and yourselves more closely, and in a much healthier way, and understand why he did this. People have affairs for any of reasons.
Exploring how the affair came to be also helps couples figure out whether they want to stay together and—most important—why. With a solid commitment and clear desire to be together, couples can then work on their issues, while also helping the betrayed partner recover from the trauma.
In many cases, affairs happen in couples who avoid conflict perhaps like your husband? Meanwhile, reestablishing trust might entail offering access to cellphones and passwords, checking in when late from work or out with friends, and doing anything that might be reassuring and reduce anxiety in the betrayed partner as the recovery begins.
You might start by sharing this column with him. You and your husband can get there, but only if you make the journey together. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Popular Latest. The Atlantic Crossword. Mary Ann Texas Dear Mary Ann, The discovery of infidelity, especially in a long marriage, is devastating, so of course you would feel shattered regardless of when it happened.